Issue #8: Online exams require special techniques

Jacob Dugar, Editorial Editor

Greetings, comrades! It is I, your main man, Jacob, and I am here to give outsiders a look into what we students have to go through in order to prepare for an online exam.

The first part of getting ready for an electronic test is to make sure the area in which you plan on taking the test is completely and utterly sterile. This is necessary in order to protect both you and your computer from viruses.

To start off you need to find a large quantity of a disinfectant in your home. This can be anything from basic Lysol wipes, to bleach, or even dish soap if you want.

Once you have obtained these microorganism destroyers, you will need to clean everything in the room that you plan on taking your test in. Yes, this includes the walls and ceilings. After you have created a nice and germ-free room, you will need to move onto the tools that you will be using.

By this point, you probably have used all of your disinfectants, but there’s no need to fear. You can still use the poor man’s sterilizer of boiling water. Fire works too, but what you’re about to be cleaning is most likely not fireproof.

If your test is on paper and you send pictures of your work, then you’ll just need to dip your pencils in the boiling water for a minute and retrieve them with tongs, or your hands if you want to assert dominance. Then you need to sterilize the paper. For this, you will simply need to take some rubbing alcohol, pour it on the paper, and let it dry.

The steps are not done, however. Now you need to make sure that your laptop is clean. After all, maybe some members of your family used it, and who knows where they’ve been.

Unfortunately, this cannot be cleaned with any form of liquid, since it is a very complex piece of circuitry. So, how do you get rid of the germs? Well, first you need some cash. Germs are technically alive, and as such will always accept bribes. Just throw some change next to your laptop and wait for an hour.

Next, you need to sterilize the software on your computer. For this you want to install an antivirus from a shady Russian website. Yes, the school already put antivirus on our laptops, but you can never be too safe. Once you get this totally legitimate antivirus software on your computer, you will no longer have to worry about anybody hacking your answers and changing them on you.

Ideally by this point at least three hours have passed and you have missed your chance for taking the test. You’re welcome. Now you can spend the rest of your day enjoying yourself instead of worrying about these societal constructs that we refer to as grades.


Delani Nichols sterilizes her environment before taking an electronic test. (COURTESY PHOTO)