Burlington’s Ayatollah Vander Linden gives foolishly wet argument


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Dear Jane – I must admit, I am an avid fan of yours. I have collected every issue of Cat Tracks since I started working here. However, I must take a stand regarding your most recent article disputing the THEORY of Moistivity. I am offended that one who claims to be of such wisdom and guidance can so easily dismiss an argument as being illogical and dumb because you disagree. As one of the press, wouldn’t you want to treat everyone’s opinion with respect and value, even if you don’t approve? That is exactly what your column is, isn’t it? While I concede I am not a science teacher and I am jacked up on mountain dew all the time, I feel as though your dismissal of the theory is invalid. According to Scientific American, and I’m paraphrasing, your hands get wrinkly due to a biological evolution. When submerged over time, your hands get wrinkly because it allows for improved grip. It channels water away from our grip, like rain treads on car tires. However, this only happens when submerged under water and has nothing to do with wetness or the layer of moistivity above the water. Next, you twist words when saying animals need to be “wet” to survive. This is truly a veteran at work. However, it was not missed by our moistivity experts that animals, like fish, need to be under water and has nothing to do with wetness or the layer of moistivity above the water to survive. We are with you on one point. This debate has raged its war and soldiers have chosen their sides. At some point, one must accept that he/she will not be able to convince any more students. However, what you must realize is that if you want to call out the experts on a topic that you know very little about, you need to be ready to feel the burn. And no – fire is not burn as water is not wet. Sincerely yours, Michael Vander Linden Dear Ayyatollah Michael Vander Linden – I don’t care. Jane

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