Newsie roasts astrology signs

Emmy Furman

  Avid readers of Cat Tracks may remember my last editorial over zodiac signs. I know that many people are skeptical about this subject, so I am back to prove my point by making assumptions and roasting you, based off of your sign.

   First I will start with Aries. If you are an Aries, take a few breaths with me. In. Out. Does that feel better? You do not have to hold so much anger on your shoulders all the time. Stop being so aggressive.

   Tauruses, we get that it has to always be your way, but sometimes others have needs too. Remember to take that into consideration.

   Geminis, please just shut up. As a fellow Gemini, I get it; not talking is difficult for us, but it won’t hurt to just be quiet for a few minutes.

   Cancers, stop crying. You guys could also use a deep breath. I promise not every minor inconvenience is worth your tears.

   Leos, humble yourselves. The world does not revolve around you, sis. I know your overwhelming ego says otherwise, but other people matter, too.

   Virgos, chill out for a second. Not everything has to be 100 percent perfect at all times. Remind yourself it is okay to be a little messy sometimes.

   Libras, I love you. I don’t have anything bad to say about you. Just keep being the little baddies you are. Go off, queens.

   Scorpios, stop trying to be so intimidating and mysterious. It’s scary.

   Sagittariuses, please learn about commitment. Allow yourself to stay in the same environment for a little while. You live too fast.

   Capricorns, take a day off. Force yourself to stay in bed and maybe do a little online shopping. I promise your bank account will be okay if you take a second to unwind.

   Aquariuses, take a day out on the town. Wear your most extra outfit. Stand out; you deserve it. I have nothing bad to say about you guys, so just keep thriving.

   Pisceses, you’re not emo, and you’re not the only one hurting. You’re not alone. But seriously stop pouting.