Student interviews odd future American leader

Seth Jarvis, News Editor

   Yes I know, I was very surprised that I was able to get this interview. “Why would a Presidential candidate want to talk to a high school reporter from a little town in the middle of nowhere?” Well, guys, it seems for some reason Presidential candidate 2018 SD14 , or Giant Meteor, wanted to share some of his opinions with Burlington High School.

   “Mr. Giant Meteor, what inspired you to run for President?” I asked him.

   “Well I think it’s necessary that the planet goes through a change in administration every 65 million years or so. The mammals have run the planet for too long and I think it’s time for them to go.”

   “Mr. Giant Meteor, you’re 4.6 billion years old. Some people think that you are far too ancient to even consider becoming President. What’s your response?”   

   “Listen, I’ve been around this solar system longer than life has existed on your planet. I know the game; I know the system. Here’s how it works; I crash into your planet, and hopefully around 76 percent of life on it goes extinct.”

   “Mr. Giant Meteor, you understand the rising cost of health care is causing a massive amount of strain on many Americans. You have said your solution to this problem is ‘the utter decimation of the entire human race.’ Some have found this stance to be a bit extreme; what do you have to say in response. “

   “Listen, health care is expensive because it is in high demand. So, I will remove the demand by completely annihilating the human race. Health care costs will be zero afterward.”

   “Mr. Giant Meteor, I have one final question. As you know, the cost of college has skyrocketed over the past few decades. In many cases, it’s two and a half times more expensive than it was a two decades ago. Young people all around the country are stuck with tens of thousands of dollars of debt after graduation. What is your plan to help them with their future?”

   “What future?”

   “Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Giant Meteor.”

   It surely was an interesting conversation, but I think he’d do an okay job as President. His policies seem to very reasonable and he’d certainly bring a nice change of pace. I’m voting for him.