Newspaper staff provides Promposal tips for non-creative types

Jacob Dugar, Editorial Editor

   Prom season is a month away, so everyone is asking out their dates. However, some still need pointers on the best way to do this. That’s why the newspaper staff, along with myself, is here to help.

   For those of you that still have yet to find a date, though, you could look into last year’s yearbook and pick out your person that way. Unfortunately, the yearbook doesn’t list heights, so you would have to find that out on your own.

   Now that you have your date picked out, you need to get that special someone to go to Prom with you. A great way is by taking the microphone away from the Champion giving the morning announcements and ask the question then. After all, they can’t say no in front of the entire school.

   Another unique method is to ride into their class on a cow and say, “It would be udderly amazing if you went to Prom with me.” We guarantee that it will work every time.

   A more mysterious process of getting them to go to this dance with you is to steal their pet, preferably a cat, and, when you give it back, say that you two would be a purrfect couple. However, if you steal a dog or other animal, you’ll have to come up with your own pun.

   One of the more extravagant options on this list would be to contact sophomore Thomas Unruh’s sister and Cat Tracks alum, Sarah, and get her to fly a plane above the parking lot with a banner asking your ideal date to Prom.

   Yet another way of getting that certain person to go with you is by spray painting a message on the football field. Just think; you take your ideal date to the stadium, and he/she would see the words “We would be turfific at Prom.”  Be sure to run faster than Coach Petrie and Mr. Watkins, though.

   If that isn’t your style, or your date likes the classics, then we here at the newspaper staff have an idea for you. Hire a barbershop quartet. If you don’t know what that is, it’s a group of four well-dressed men who will find whomever you want  and sing a song. It is sophisticated.

   If these amazing methods don’t work, then there is a simple solution to your embarrassment. Get a Delorean, travel 88 miles per hour to a safe environment, and convince your past self that it isn’t worth it.

   To finish this article, I have a message for Maggie Jarvis: