Lettuce honor Caesar

Emmy Furman, Editor in Chief

      As promised, your favorite editor is back to teach you a real and very true history lesson. This lesson is over Julius Caesar.

   We all know our favorite short king was stabbed to death by his best friend, but what we do not know are the funniest facts about him and his dope life.

   First off, we need to talk about his name origin. His parents were big fans of salad. They named him for their favorite dressing, Caesar.

   His brother (the less favorite of the two) was named James Ranch. He is not as well-known because he died at a young age choking on a crouton.

   Julius also had a sister, Julie Honey Mustard. She moved to America and disowned her family, so that is probably why you have never heard of her.

   She now has a monument where people leave bottles of honey mustard to honor her. It is located in Buffalo, New York.

   Another fun fact you may not know is that Caesar’s middle name is actually Alexander. His homies called him Alexander the Great.

   My favorite of all these (and this one is really true) is when Julius was kidnapped by pirates. He did not like that their ransom prices were too low for what he believed they should be, so he demanded they raise them. Thank you, Sethel, for this information.

   Also, thank you all for coming to my third history lesson of the year. Please tune into next issue to learn more about the 70’s.

    DISCLAIMER: The information in this editorial is not true. Haha jk jk. Unless…