Newsies discuss raid locations

Jacob Dugar, Editorial Editor

   What’s your favorite number? Is it three? Maybe it’s seven? Well ours is 51.

   What started off as just a meme eventually became reality as internet vigilantes actually went to raid Area 51. Instead of creating a national tragedy, though, they held a music festival with over 10,000 attendees.

    However, we here on the newspaper staff think that there were much better locations to actually raid and not hold some lame music festival.

   Our first suggestion is the girls’ bathroom at the end of the science hallway. Clearly, there are aliens hiding inside. We know this because the pure denizens of BHS would never vandalize with graffiti, and senior Delani Nichols even said that she found advice while washing her hands.

   Another location to investigate is the warehouse that contains all of the working McDonald’s ice cream machines. Finally, we would be able to bring the joy of soft-serve ice cream to the masses.

   One other beneficial location to pillage is Disney Studios. We would raid them and discover ideas for new movies.

   We should also swarm VSCO HQ. Sure, the basic white girls would put up a fight with their metal straw orbital strikes and their Hydroflask fortifications, but the secrets that lie within are absolutely worth the lives that would be lost.

   While we’re at it, why don’t we convince the gentle laborer to assist in storming Wall Street in order to eliminate the capitalist greed that is overflowing from it, with our own Seth Jarvis at the helm of the operation?

   Also, we can’t forget about Space X and whatever information Elon Musk has kept inside. Just think; we start the attack, they have flamethrowers, but they are no match for our numbers, and we leave with genetically-modified cat girls.

   And why stop there? We could use the booty from our recent attack and raid the empty vacuum of space itself. Then we could find the aliens so much more easily. POWER TO THE PEOPLE.