Being single is kewl

Dakota Jesse, Editor-in-Cheif

There are couples everywhere. If you’re someone who wants to avoid getting into a relationship, I have the perfect article for you.

The first step to staying single is to never look nice. Wearing the same bun you slept in all night is the best way to keep people away from you. Make sure to come to school wearing sloppy clothes and paint-stained shorts.

It’s the small details that matter. Wearing dirty crocs will definitely get you out of the dating pool.

Wearing no makeup is absolutely essential to be successful in staying single. Forget trying in general.

Why would anyone want to date you if you resembled a homeless person?

Step two is to always be loud and bossy. Nobody likes the loudmouth yelling out orders. This works especially when you have no idea what you’re talking about.

Don’t forget to argue with everybody, especially people who are right and loud as well. There’s nothing better than out-yelling someone in an argument.

Violence is another way to get people to hate you. Hitting people for a dumb reason, or even none at all, is surely a way to stay single. No boyfriend would date you if you hit him fairly often.

An intelligent way to get people to shrivel their opinion of you is to over exaggerate hatred for anything. For example, squealing at the mention, notion, or sight of feet.

The final step is to write an article in the school newspaper, implying that your boyfriend has no standards. These steps are fool-proof. By the way, I do have a boyfriend, or at least until he reads this.