Cats superior to dogs

Branden Alford, Editor-in-chief

   Recently, it has come to my attention that there are individuals roaming the hallowed halls of BHS that ACTUALLY BELIEVE DOGS ARE BETTER THAN CATS! Are you kidding me, BHS?! In these next few lines, I will settle this debate once and for all.

   Felines are clearly superior to canines because, first and foremost, they have the ego of a wanna-be world dictator captured in the body of an elongated cotton ball. Who doesn’t love an egotistical maniac (we see you, Kitty Jong-un )?

   Secondly, cats literally don’t need their owners for anything. They simply keep us around because they feel like it. Just what we have all been waiting for: a pet that has no affection for its owners!

   Also, it is reassuring to the human psyche to be demeaned by everyone and everything around them. This must extend to pets. Cats have such a low view of their owners that they will never be surprised when someone treats you like garbage.

   Have you ever worried that your pet will not leave their mark on your life? With felines living within the means of your humble abode, this will never be a problem. Cats are the only pets that, when shown affection, will deploy their claws, which must have been sharpened by Satan himself with the sole intent of striking a deadly blow.

   When home alone, have you ever wanted to be kept company by a protective, warm, and cuddly dog? Of course not! Cats are the way to go here, as their nonchalant, carefree attitude in life will comfort you in your time of need.

   Finally, dogs are always too excited to see their owners. Slobbery kisses and excited jumping are too much for any sensible human being. With a feline “companion,” this will never present itself as a problem, as the only excitement owners will ever see from a cat is when they leave.

   As is now apparent, cats are better than dogs in every way. If you disagree with me, you are wrong. Stay classy, Burlington High.