Mac-Labians offer tips for spider infestation

Rose Wahlmeier, Sports Editor

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The spider infestation is increasing by millions each day. Little Miss Muffett sat on a spider and got burned by its fire breathing ways because it was a fighter.

The man who sprays the school can’t kill them permanently  because he doesn’t have the “right tools” to do so.  We do!

First of all, you need hair spray to kill them because it might bring a bigger flame upon them. After a bit, we promise the fire will die, and so will the spider.

We also suggest wielding flip-flops without grooves so the spiders can’t hide in the crevices. Red is a terrific color to get so when you smash them, the red color of blood mixes.

Toothpick + straw = death killing machine. Blow into the straw to shoot the toothpick and hit the spider between the eyes (or at least two of them). If you miss the spider, it will only get bigger. You get one shot.

If you can’t kill it with the death killing machine, we have some more suggestions.

Roll up a Cat Tracks and make sure that spider take the worse beating of its life.

Or…lure it into your laptop, and once it’s on the keyboard, slam it shut killing it instantly. (JK, Mr. Kuhlmann.)

We have one final suggestion. This one is guaranteed  a death to a spider.

Take a mini bull whip and whip it to its death.  You’ll know it’s dead when it squeals and crumbles into dust.  Don’t back down until this happens.

P.S.  The spider in this story was actually on the Mac Lab wall.  It was… 12 inches wide.

No. Really.

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